Friday, March 2, 2012

Zombieland

I am not a big movie watcher but I have been feeling left out so I have been slowly trying to up my movies-I-have-seen-cache. Anyway, I watched Zombieland recently and I was blown away by how many rules can be applied to triathlon. 
  • Cardio - This one is obvious, you are never going to make it as a triathlete without it
  • The Double Tap - just when you think you got 'em, surge again. 
  • Beware of Bathrooms - Awww man there is nothing worse than the potty potties on race day - a bunch of jacked triathletes race morning all trying to empty their load. #3
  • Wear Seat Belts - In this case your race belt - handy to avoid getting a penalty and for hiding the goods.
  • No Attachments - Triathletes don't need friends, just a nice bike.
  • The “Skillet” - big and cast iron
  • Travel Light - Refer to Rule 3
  • Get a Kick Ass Partner - You need a good trainer partner you can count on for your long rides. Sooner or later they will make it a point to kick your butt at the next race for which you will prepare for by "secret training." 
  • With your Bare Hands - I don't care what people say, it is the best way to put on a wetsuit
  • Don’t Swing Low - don't be a low arm swinger when running. I am not naming names. 
  • Use Your Foot - to trip people in the finisher's shoot. It is a lot less obvious than an elbow to the gut. 
  • Bounty Paper Towels - Refer to Rule 3
  • Shake it off - kicks to the face suck during the swim but there is nothing you can do about them other than shake 'em off
  • Always carry a change of underwear - If you are still in your trishorts an hour after the race . . . well let's just say you better have a lot to show for it. #14
  • Bowling Balls - about the size you need when someone tells you to "grow a pair"
  • Opportunity Knocks - f*ckin take it!
  • Don’t be a hero (later crossed out to be a hero)
  • Limber Up
  • Break it Up
  • It’s a marathon, not a sprint, unless it’s a sprint, then sprint
  • Avoid Strip Clubs - the dancers aren't nearly as good looking as triathletes
  • When in doubt know your way out - you are the only one to blame if you get lost on a race course. 
  • Ziplock - the best place for Rule #14
  • Use your thumbs - Thumbs up!
  • Shoot First - Make lofty goals encouraging you to either excel or crash and burn
  • A little sunscreen never hurt anybody - avoid the triathlete tramp stamp 
  • Incoming! - Prepare to dismount at the dismount line otherwise you will scare the piss out of a lot of volunteers.
  • Double-Knot your Shoes - If you haven't made the switch to EZ laces the you certainly do not want to have to stop twice to tie your ultra fast running flats. 
  • The Buddy System - best way to "legally" draft as they call it
  • Pack your stain stick - or salt stick, or body glide stick, or just THE stick
  • Check the back seat - Probably where you left the race numbers you picked up earlier
  • Enjoy the little things - like winning 
  • Swiss army Knife - so you can trim anything on the fly to become more aero